Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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