So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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