i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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