Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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