I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
