I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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