I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
