It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
