Already got asked if we're dating
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
