He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
