if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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