I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
