I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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