I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Randomize
