i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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