I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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