my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
