i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
