Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
