i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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