he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
