i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
