Church boner. Awkwardddd
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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