We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize