my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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