She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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