Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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