Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
