no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
