I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
