just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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