so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize