Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
