final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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