I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
