My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
