you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
