Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize