It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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