He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Text me some of your sweat
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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