That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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