I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize