Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
you had me at cake vodka
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
