highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I have feelings that need drinking.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
