TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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