weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize