I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
