you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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