I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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