Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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