I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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