Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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