She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize