i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize