Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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