it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
