chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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