This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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