bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Randomize
