love makes seman taste better
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
