i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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