I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
