It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
