turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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