wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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