At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
