go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize