Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
