3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
